Friends

Men and Women can never be just friends right? Something always happens down the line, whether it is a drunken kiss, a one night stand or a declaration of unrequited love. That does not mean you shouldnt make friends in London with the oppposite sex!

The common opinion is always the same, “yes it can work, but…” In the past, the Male would typically work all day whilst the Woman was a designated housewife. The only interaction between the two sexes would be intimate. However, times have changed; there is more equality in our society which allows us to have friends of the opposite sex. So WHY is there still a problem?

When two heterosexuals from the opposite sex have a friendship, it is known as Platonic; “free from physical desire”. The desire is also known as sexual tension, imagine a battle between Platonic and Tension, lets use some examples: A Man and a Woman become friends but they dont hang out often in London, until their social circles become closer. Now theyre hanging out more and more, the Woman is getting to know the Man more intimately, and the Man is becoming more familiar with the Woman. The sexual tension has started to build. Neither of them wants to admit the attraction, from fear of rejection and ruining the friendship. Until one night, theyve had too much to drink, the Woman is upset, the Man comforts her and one thing leads to another. This is just one scenario out of hundreds of circumstances, but the point of it is, there is always a possibility for the friendship to become sexual.

The common female opinion I received on this main subject was that “it never works out in the end”, either theyve become attracted to the guy and been hurt or the guy has tried it on with them. The male point of view was different, a lot of them admitted theyve always thought about their female friends in a sexual sense but would never do anything about it. So can this friendship between a man and a woman ever work? In two particular scenario it is more likely. For example, a metrosexual guy has a similar friendship with women that gay men have because there is less tension and threat, the woman treats the guy like one of her girlfriends. On the other side, there are tomboy girls, who prefer having male friends. She is seen as “one of the lads” and there is less sexual tension between the sexes. But of course, tension can arise anywhere. Are we just kidding ourselves to think we can be close friends with the opposite sex and not get sexual? Well with the right attitude, awareness and rules it can be done!…

1) Create boundaries

There should always be a friendship boundary in place that is never broken. How do you treat your friends of the same sex? Do you act the same with friends of the opposite sex? The boundaries should be the same, if youre not attracted to them.

2) Dont socialise alone together

You should not spend a lot of time alone with them because it allows a chance for attraction to build. Its best to have your platonic friends within your social group in London, but not spending hours alone with them.

3) Keep past lovers in the past

It would be very hard to have a platonic relationship with someone who youve been intimate within the past. There may still be a lot of hidden feelings or confusion over your friendship.

4) Dont touch too much

Of course gestures like hugs and kisses on the cheek are fine between friends, but over extended embraces are not wise. If you find you and your platonic friend acting like a “couple” then maybe you need to re-assess the situation.

5) Be honest

It can be good to be up front with them. If you fear theyre may be some one way attraction, you should tell them that youre looking for friendship and nothing more. Sometimes you may have to be cruel, to be kind.

6) Use the sibling trick

This is one of the best ways to make it work. You can be good friends but keep the right distance; keep the friendship casual and social. Like brothers and sisters. If you have a brother or sister, treat your opposite sex friend the same. They can be your adopted sibling and if youre both aware of that, it will create a good boundary.

The internet has changed the way we do almost everything. Communications can be sent to the other side of the world in an instant, information on just about anything is readily available and shopping can be done from the comfort of your own home. Awesome!

Even better is that the internet has also changed the way people meet new friends in London. 10 years ago, websites like new2london were few and far between but now you have access to a whole network of potential new friends who, just like yourself, are new to London.

The internet has had a pretty bad rap when it comes to safety and, in some cases, deservedly so. Ultimately, on some sites you have no idea who youre talking to. Someone who presents themselves as a perky 23-year old named Cindy could actually be a 50-year old called Steve. However, the internet has also produced long-lasting friendships, business partnerships and even marriages. Contrary to popular belief, the majority of people online are genuine and, especially on sites like new2London, they are looking to meet new people.

Although meeting people online still has a stigma attached to it, this is fading fast. Trusting your instincts is important: if youre not sure about a certain situation then you dont have to get involved. You are totally in control.

If youre still not sure about meeting people in London who you met online, here are a few tips to help

1) Dont reveal where you live

Dont reveal where you live in London until you are absolutely sure the person is trustworthy. Never give away personal information like your phone number or address in London. Stay anonymous until the last moment.

2) Meet in a public location in London

If you want to meet someone in person, do so in a public location. Never meet at a private home. Remember, if the situation feels strange, you are completely entitled to leave. Tell a friend or family member that you are meeting someone for the first time and let them know where you are going and what time you expect to be home. They can keep an eye on the time and check up on you should you be late. Take a mobile phone with you so you can be contacted easily. If you are having a great time and want to stay out longer, let a friend or family member know so they dont worry.

3) Google the new friend

Find the persons full name before you meet them and Google them. Employers do it and, unless you feel it would be unethical, theres no reason you shouldnt.  Remember some people could share their name with someone else so dont jump to any conclusions!

4) Beware of fakers

People are not always what they appear to be on the internet. To be confident that the person you are getting to know is genuine, first spend time chatting on the online or by email. Build some trust before you speak on the phone or meet in person. Ideally ask to see their photo. Do not meet someone who refuses to give you their photograph.

5) Dont be pressured into meeting

If you dont feel ready or comfortable, wait a while. If someone youre chatting to online seems pushy then theres good reason to be cautious. A genuine person interested in friendship will be happy to wait until you feel comfortable enough to meet. Generally speaking, a person who pushes for a quick meeting – often on the day you start chatting – is likely looking for sex. If this is not what you want, you are wasting your time on the wrong person.

6) Meet a new friend in a group meet up

To overcome you having to meet one to one why not invite them to a group event in London, for example a new2london meetup? There is safety in numbers.

7) Never go back to someones house who you have just met

You may think they seem nice and can be trusted, but you cant always be sure of a persons qualities straight away. Dont risk getting into a situation thats awkward or even difficult to get out of. If casual sex meetings arent what you are looking for, avoid people who insist on the first meeting being at their home.

8) Be cautious

If something doesnt feel right, then it probably isnt! Your instincts are powerful –trust them! Likewise, if youre having a great time and getting on well, embrace it and let it flourish. Youll work out as you get to know someone if they are genuine and whether its friendship, romance or just sex theyre looking for.

9) Dont reveal your personal email address or Facebook

Never just hand out your email or facebook details. Always use sites like new2london that safeguard your identity when messaging new friends in London.

10) Use the phone first

If you are not 100% sure someone is genuine before you meet a new friend in London why not call them on the phone first at least that way you are not wasting your time

Ever been in this situation? You’re out looking to meet new friends in a bar, club, or a party and no one seems to be coming up to talk to you. You could be extremely attractive, funny or a great conversationalist. But that doesn’t matter one bit, if you’re giving off the wrong signals, look intimidating or unapproachable nobody will bother taking the time to get to know, let alone chat to you.

If this seems to be holding you back from making friends in London, follow the simple steps below and soon you’ll find yourself being propositioned and positively harangued everywhere you go:

1) Use body language to attract new friends in London

We all speak without having to say a single word, using body language. It’s one of the first things which people notice, picking up any negative vibes and subconsciously forming opinions, just by glancing over.

Good posture is of the utmost importance; crossed arms for example, look defensive and act as a barrier; you might as well be shouting, “don’t talk to me!”. A tilted head could be an indication that you have something to hide, are shifty by nature or are nervous and constantly moving your feet can be a sign of nervousness, impatience or being scared.

Such “closed” body language can be mistaken as a sign that you want to be left alone and which potential new friends in London subconsciously pick up on and immediately avoid you. Be aware of the image you portray using body language. A good “open” stance is to relax, keep your head up and your arms down by your side or confidently, in your pocket. This stance instantly tells everybody you are approachable.

2) Eye contact

Believe me, there’s nothing worse than someone sulking in the corner with a face like they’ve just eaten a plate of lemon sprinkled with salt, especially if you want to have fun, it brings people down.
By smiling, you are telling everybody you are having a great time; they will want to be near you to share in the fun. If someone looks at you, smile at them – it’s like saying, “Hi, it’s ok to talk to me.” Another form of “open” body language, smiling makes you seem much more approachable and also serves to put people at ease.

When you’ve pulled someone in for conversation or small talk, keep smiling; it show you are interested and appreciate their company. Your smile needs to be genuine; a big cheesy grin for no apparent reason can be massively off-putting. If you’re unsure of your smile, why not practise alone in the mirror. Try to remember, it’s the eyes that show the sincerity of a smile rather than the mouth.

3) Make sure you have a drink to hand

It sounds silly but having a drink can help you in this situation; Dutch courage being the obvious reason; alcohol can help calm the nerves in social situations. Another reason is it gives you something to focus on, something to take you mind off any social anxiety or nervousness. You can focus this anxiety away from you and into your drink; hold your drink by your chest, holding it by your face gives the same impression as folding your arms or looking down.

4) Network to find new friends

If you find people are still not approaching you, go to them. It’s a great way to show you are confident and approachable. If you do not know anybody, the longer you spend skulking in the peripheries, the more difficult it will be to pick it up later on. When you arrive, you have an immediate excuse to approach people for small talk or conversation. If you are worried about what to say, a sincere compliment or introduction followed by questions acts as a great ice breaker. Make sure you are accommodating, positioning yourself for the conversation – if they are standing, get up, otherwise the conversation may be cut short due to them feeling uncomfortable.

5) Ever heard of smirting?

Alternatively, use small talk after gaining someone’s eye contact for example, “What are you drinking, that looks nice?” If you are a smoker, smirting (a phrase coined combining the words, flirting and smoking) is great way to approach others. In the UK you have to go outside to smoke, there are less distractions and you already have one thing in common; you are both smokers.

6) Fun people attract new friends

The best way to look approachable, in order to make friends in London, is to have fun and genuinely enjoy yourself. Dive into the atmosphere, dance, laugh and join in. Having fun is a great way to dispel any social anxiety, you are changing your body language and any nervousness will disappear. Having fun will put you completely at ease and will make you appear confident and extremely approachable.

7) Physical appearance

In order to look approachable, you need to look like somebody would like to approach you. As is the case with body language, people may be subconsciously repelled by your physical appearance. Simple things like making sure your hair is tidy, you are well groomed, you have no stains on your clothes and if your shoes are clean all make a huge difference; first impressions count, we all stereotype subconsciously, even if we say we don’t.

Make sure you are dressed appropriately for the situation, some bars and clubs have a dress code, this goes with other social situations; make sure you are clued up to the dress code. If you don’t know, smart casual with shoes – not trainers, will generally be ok. Unless of course it’s a black tie occasion. Finally, if you feel good about your appearance you’ll be more confident and appear more approachable.

8) Help out in a social situation

If you get the chance to help out, do it. This will show people you are willing to do your fair share, particularly at a party – the host or hostess will be very appreciative. This is a fantastic pretext to meet new friends and the task will stop you from cowering in a corner feeling awkward.

9) Ditch your IPod

Ever get tempted to escape into your music or book? Resist the urge, it puts up an instant barrier to other like a big sign reading, “don’t bother me, I’m busy!” And no one will bother you. Chances are, you won’t meet new friends during rush hour, so it’s ok for tube or bus journeys. Otherwise, you could be missing out of some meaningful conversation. Imagine a chance encounter with a potential new friend, random I know, but it is possible, if you create unnecessary barriers, it’s never going to happen.

10) Believe in yourself

You’ll be a 100% more approachable to people if you exude confidence, believing that you are interesting and totally worth approaching confidence is magnetic; having self belief will make others want to stop and talk to you and get to know you. If confidence is a sticking point for you, think about your accomplishments, all the things you have going for yourself and your skills. If you can’t think of anything, you may need to learn new skills; take a class, take up a new hobby or join a sports team.

Being new to London, you may get asked to parties where youll probably only know a handful of people, sometimes you may not know anyone there. This situation can be rather daunting. When you get your first party invites, dont fear it, just follow these simple tips and youll be a hit at any party and start making new friends in London instantly!

1) What to wear

Youll need to feel comfortable with your clothes, otherwise youll be worrying about whether you are going to pop out of your top, and constantly pulling up your trousers when you need to pay attention to the conversation or join in the fun. This can make you seem nervous and uncomfortable around others. Looking your best will give you the confidence to chat to strangers and have fun.

2) Arrival

Nothing is worse than arriving at a party too early when you dont know anybody. Its much better to be fashionably late. If you know some people going arrange to arrive with them, if not, an hour after the start is the perfect time to get there, there should be plenty of people and a wide range of opportunities to start conversations. But dont be too late as you will have to play catch up.

3) Alcohol

Ok youre there, first things first alcohol! If you have not brought any, naughty! You must find some, Alcohol acts as a great ice breaker, “Hi, do you mind if I have one of those? Hi, Im {INSERT NAME HERE}, nice to meet you” or “mmm, whats that? Mind if I try some?” If you have brought booze, why not offer some of it about, remember use it as a tool to meet people but dont get taken for granted. Either way, keep a drink in your hand; it gives you something to think about.

4) Mingle

One great way to socialise and have fun at a party, when you dont know many people there, is to leave your insecurities at the door and join in everything. Be the life and soul of the party; act like everybody there is your friend, or at least should be, join in dance-offs, conversations, drinking games, computer games, join in everything. However, you should be aware of peoples boundaries and dont be too pushy – some people may not want to join in. This is a great tactic if you dont care what people will think after the party, some people may think you are weird but more importantly, others will think, “Who was that cool person? I want to be friends with them!”

5) Conversation

What to talk about, hmm? Thats simple if you are clever and prepare beforehand, think about what youd like to talk about, although not too much as you dont want to sound like your reading from a script. Think about current affairs but avoid politics and religion – you dont want to enter into a debate. Think about books, films, TV, art and any interesting things youve seen/done/found. Humour is a great ice breaker, try to remember funny stories or jokes – if you pull this off youll soon have a crowd gathered, listening intently and laughing. Remember to look the person you are talking to in the eye, use open body language and say the persons name whilst you are talking, this will portray a positive image to other party goers. And most import, if you like someone get their contact details.

Now you are ready to party in London, so no more fears about fitting in. Get stuck in and have fun!

We all know first impressions count but what happens if your first impression unintentionally comes across as a little creepy? Lets picture this scenario. If youre at a party in London and you go up to talk to a group of new friends and within a few seconds they make excuses and disappear you might be coming across as weird. When youre out meeting new friends in London make sure you dont make these common mistakes…

1) Dont act like a creep around new friends in London

A creep is someone who is eerily quiet as if there is something dark which they dont want you to know about. Creepy people have a dark lamenting side waiting for something to push it over. If you are coming across as creepy, you must be doing some of the things these weird people would do. Dont worry, you probably dont even know that youre doing it – it can be quickly sorted out with understanding and practise. Body language and appearance are important here. Make sure you are well groomed, youve washed your hair and youve got your best aftershave or perfume on. Ensure you also have good posture, keep your back straight and make solid eye contact with whoever you talk to.

2) Dont play the rock star

The chances are its just because you are a little different. Individuality is a great thing – never forget that – but sometimes in order to allow others to accept you may have to tone it down a little. Its very easy to resent people because they think you are strange because you live your life differently but youve got to remember, people will judge you and sometimes they will get it wrong but youre never going to be able to stop the process. By making your appearance, image and actions a little more accessible you are raising the chances of people getting to know the real you and form a friendship.

You may think rock stars are cool and you may be attempting to emulate that image eg appearing standoffish and slightly arrogant. That can work for you if you are world famous as famous people can get away with it! You are not a famous rock star – you need to appear accessible and open.

You dont need to change the way you dress, merely the way you are perceived. However, insuring you are well groomed and tidy does make a difference.

3) Get your body language right

Avoiding eye contact and lurking in corners screams of weirdness. You need to learn how to receive eye contact and approach new people in London. Dont flinch when somebody looks your way or fixes eye contact, look back with a subtle smile. Remember dont try to stare them out as this will appear odd, as will a cheesy grin. Not smiling enough or smiling too much will look strange, learn the middle ground.

4) Dont be the needy sheep

Neediness can come across as obsessive and therefore creepy. Dont follow potential new friends around like a puppy dog when you first meet them. Mingle with others too that way youll look popular and at the end of the night you can come back to the people you really like and get their number.

5) Respect others boundaries

This is the key thing which may cause people to misunderstand you. Everyone has boundaries, overstep them and they are going to think you are weird and creepy. Every friendship has levels, when you first meet people, think of the relationship as being on level 1, you cant go automatically skipping to level 5, again moving too fast you can lead to being be misinterpreted as odd.

On meeting someone, it is impolite to ask personal questions and its quite rude. Sometimes its hard to guess, what the boundaries are; to one person you may come across impersonal, to another you may come across as simply cocky and confident. Try to gauge your potential new friends personality type by discretely listening to their conversation. Stick to “safe” conversation topics such as current affairs events or places in London etc stay away from religion, politics, your love life/romantic experiences and anything on the macabre or dark side. The same goes with butting in, you should only join a conversation if you have something positive to add. If you catch the tail end of a conversation, dont jump in with, “what ya talking about?”.