Dating

To get a guy to ask you out isnt always easy. Often you’ve got to be proactive – there’s no need to wait for him. It’s extremely flattering for a guy if you ask him out. It shows that you believe in equality in a relationship.

Ask him to join you on a social occasion

If there is a guy you like but you’re not too sure whether there is any chemistry, the best approach is to ask him out on a group outing with mutual friends. This works especially well if he’s a little shy. The great thing about this is you get to spend some time together, have fun and then you can gauge the situation and flirt.

Use persuasion

If you feel the chemistry and he still hasn’t asked you out, there’s no harm in gentle persuasion;  hint! You should say something like:

‘I’ve always wanted to go to…’ or ‘have you seen that new film, I’d really like to go.’

If he’s a smart cookie he should be able to work out that you want him to ask you out. If that fails, a more proactive approach would be to say something like:

‘If you were to ask me out Id probably say yes…’

Then, if he wants to ask you out on a date, he will. If not, he’s probably an idiot.

Buy him a drink

This is the simplest approach. If you see a guy in a bar and you’ve noticed that he’s looking at you (then looking away but looking back again) – and you know you like him too, go over to him offer to buy him a drink.

Better still, if you’re in the right kind of place, ask the barkeeper to send him one over and tell him that it’s from you. This lets him know you are interested and he should come over to thank you.

If you are already friends and in a group situation, buying him a drink will make him focus on you – use this to spark off a conversation.

Find out what he did last weekend

Then suggest doing something similar together next weekend. Easy.

Ask him if he has a girlfriend

If he says no, ask him if he wants one. If he says yes, ask him if he has anyone in mind. If he likes you the conversation should end with him asking you out.

Let him know you like him

You don’t have to come straight out with and say ‘I like you, ask me out!’ But you can let him know that you like him. This sort of thing is great:
“You are such a great guy, carry on like this and I might just fall for you!”

Then back it up with lots of eye contact, moving into his personal space and touching him at the end of sentences.

Ask him lots of questions

It will be staggeringly obvious the guy that you like him if you ask him lots of questions about his life, what he does, what he likes. If he likes you too the conversation should end up in him asking you out. Especially if you hint and let him know you like him.

Even with a population over 7 million, London can seem such a lonely place to those who are new to the city. You can even have a horde of colleagues and other acquaintances around you and still feel like you have no one. Loneliness can take over and can become a huge problem affecting many aspects of your life and can cause, or be a symptom of, depression and anxiety problems. Loneliness affects all of us at one point in life, you are not going through this alone; read my advice below to help you understand and overcome loneliness. Also sign up to new2london and start meeting new friends!

The difference between being alone and being lonely in London

Being alone means theres no one with you right at that moment whereas, being lonely is feeling theres no one there for you or to share life and thoughts with you. As humans we need to be part of communities, relying on each other for a variety of reasons is normal behaviour. Failure to act upon our natural instinct for meaningful interaction can cause loneliness, which is defined as; a feeling, usually sad and sometimes devastating, that one needs more companionship than one is currently getting.

The 5 types of loneliness

Interpersonal loneliness

This is when you miss a loved one and can become afraid of rejection. It will heal in time and is very common when a relationship comes to an end

Social loneliness

“The individual feels cut off from a group that he or she feels is important”. This basically means you feel youve been unjustly cut off by a group. If this is the case, firstly speak to one of the people in the group whom you trust. If they truly are your friends, they will make an effort. If not, you must expand your potential to meet new people in London. Joining interest groups or sports teams will increase your chances of forming new friendships.

Culture Shock

Culture shock happens when you move to a whole new culture. This normally affects people new to London. Try to seek out individuals from your original culture, or indeed anyone else who is new to London, to help you adjust to London life.

Cosmic Loneliness

Everybody feels cosmic loneliness sometimes. Its also known as “existential loneliness” the sense that its not possible to achieve perfect, complete intimacy with another person. Or more simply put, this is when you have nobody to open up to.

Psychological loneliness

This can be due to past experience – loss of a loved one, for instance or due to your psychological make up.

Recognise the problem

As with a lot of personal problems, the first thing you need to do to overcome loneliness is to admit its a problem. Denying that loneliness affects you may seem like a temporary solution but will only cause more problems along the line and denial will delay the only solution to the problem; meaningful relationships with other people.

What causes loneliness?

You may be surrounded by many people, flatmates, work colleagues etc however, these relationships may be superficial, you do not choose to be with them; this lack of intimacy can cause you to have problems confiding your inner feelings. if you are missing meaningful relationships, and the reassurance they give, in your life this can lead to loneliness and, more seriously, can be a sign of depression. Try opening up to your acquaintances, it may help you overcome lonely thoughts and help you get closer to people. If you find this hard, you may be really shy, which could be due to anxiety -there are groups which will help you overcome this. Above all you need to take risks opening up to those around you if you feel they are going to be receptive. Being new in London and in need of friends, you will need to take the first step in turning your acquaintances into friendships or otherwise, looking elsewhere for friends. Avoid getting hurt by assessing the people around you; are they genuine, would I be able to take this relationship further? Friendships generally dont happen overnight, persevere, it will be worth it.

Keep active

If you spend all of your free time at home alone, this will only to lead to negative thoughts, unhappiness and inevitably, loneliness. You should keep active: play sports – this will keep your mind active, your body fit and youll also be surrounding yourself with people, volunteer – this will make you feel good about yourself and help you meet people. Alternatively, join an interest group. If your work keeps you away from direct contact of people try to spend your evenings and weekends socialising and going to public events. Try to do things youd normally do alone with others; If you spend a lot of your spare time studying, ask someone in your class to join you or if you like to swim or go to the gym, find a partner or group to work out with.

Many people suffer with self confidence issues. Even very clever people in London suffer from some sort of issue regarding self confidence. Its such a common problem that terms have been invented to describe the condition.

Here are the secrets to self confidence that will help you to never doubt yourself again!

1) Impostor syndrome

Do you feel that you are not good enough or inferior to others? This is often felt in social situations where you think the friends around you are smarter or in someway better than you are. Just because your potential new friends in London may have better jobs or have a better education that doesnt mean they wont socialise with you. Becoming their friends is all about your “Value Add”. Eg what can you bring to the group that others do not. For instance you might be meet lots of interesting people in your job and have lots of funny stories. So never feel like you are an imposter in any social group!

2) The Dunning-Kruger effect

The Dunning-Kruger effect refers to a bizarre cognitive bias: People who are incompetent will over-rate their abilities, and those who are very competent will under-rate theirs. We have all been in the situation at work when you think “how is that person in such a senior position – they know nothing!”. The Dunning-Kruger effect ties into self belief. These individuals believe they are good enough and therefore other people believe in them too.

So now you know the barriers to having self confidence lets examine the solutions.

3) Your childhood and education

How you were brought up by your parents and your education will have a massive effect on your self confidence. As a child we are very vulnerable to the things people say and do around us. If you had a happy childhood, with successful and loving parents and you had lots of friends then it is likely your self confidence as an adult will be higher than someone who had a tough upbringing. In addition, those who attend the best schools will have the best teaching and employment opportunities later in life, again this will have a significant positive on their self confidence.

4) Determine your weakness

Contrary to common beliefs self confidence is not something everybody possesses in equal measures. Each of us has different levels of confidence in different areas of his or her life. While you might be very confident in playing sport you might fear social situations.

5) Find the missing skills

So once you have worked out where the weaknesses in your self confidence lie you need to go about fixing them. Most of the time you can achieve this via education and practise. So look for books and training courses that address your skill deficiencies and absorb as much information as you can. Once you have done learning go out and put those skills into practise! All of a sudden your self confidence issues will be gone!

6) Promote yourself

People are attracted to people who are skilful at something. But if you dont show off your skills then how will anyone be aware of them? You need to think of ways to get out there and show others your abilities. If you are good at football then join a football team in London, everyone will want to be your friend as they know you will be a great asset to the team.

7) Showcase your talents online

Its not easy to get compliments from others these days. We live in a very competitive world and lots of people are looking out just for themselves. But even so, if you are good at what you do then why not showcase it? The web has made it so easy for you to demonstrate your skills to others all around the world. So why not set up a website to show what you can do. Or maybe upload a video to youtube? The positive comments are likely to come flooding in. That will be a massive boost to your self confidence.

8) Surround yourself with the right people

If you surround yourself with the wrong people that can have a devastating effect on your self confidence. If you find your current friends bully or make fun of you then you need to get some new friends in London!

Do you want to boost your self confidence? Lack of confidence affects your relationships, friendships and your career. Here’s how to improve your self confidence and get on and have a fulfilling successful life in London.

You don’t have to get it right; you just have to get it going. – Mike Litman

Believe in yourself

The best way to build self confidence is to believe in yourself.  Try to ditch any negative thoughts by counteracting them with positive thoughts.  Each time you hear that, ‘you can’t do it’ voice, tell yourself ‘No. Stop!’ And then use, what I call, your ‘you can do it voice.’  Some people find it helpful if they imagine this voice as that of a positive role model.

Comfort zone

Confidence, and lack of confidence, is not universal. Have you noticed that there are some things which you are very confident doing, whilst there are other things which actually scare you?

The things you are confident about are inside what is known as your ‘comfort zone’.  The things which you are unconfident about are outside your comfort zone and you will do everything to avoid them.

He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. – Benjamin Franklin

The things you are confident about are usually things you have already achieved or have been reinforced by someone telling you are good at it.

The more you choose to stay in the comfort zone the scarier the outside becomes.

Work out what is in your comfort zone and what is outside. What patterns of behaviour do you do to avoid stepping outside of your comfort zone? Recognise these behaviours by using your ‘you can do it!’ voice.

Establish your strengths

Make a list of everything you have to be grateful for – this shows you what you have achieved and what motivates you.

Now write down 10 things you are good at. These can be your greatest skills or achievements. Read the list back – look what you have achieved!

And Weaknesses

Make a list of your 10 biggest weakness and the things you want to become more confident about. Now you have to address each point at a time. Do not try to do too much at once – this needs to be a gradual process.

Trick your mind

For each thing on your list, take a piece of paper or a Post-it note, and write it as if you’ve already done or achieved it and stick it on your mirror or somewhere where you will see it every day.

Every time you see it repeat what you have written. It sounds silly but it really works – it changes negative thoughts and tricks the brain into thinking you has already achieved it. This in itself will help boost your self confidence.

Get your of the comfort zone

Go back to your note written as if you’ve already achieved it. Now do it! The best way to become confident at something is to do it! Try it. How easy was that?!

Quite simply, building confidence is about moving your comfort zone out so it becomes larger. This is step by step process gradually taking on one thing outside your comfort zone.

Get out there and achieve it, extend your comfort zone. Overcoming something which you were previously worried about will boost your confidence – and will affect all aspect of your life.

Surround yourself with confident people

‘Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence.’ – Vince Lombardi

Are your friend’s negative people? Are they unconfident? They might be dragging you down. When we are part of group people tend to adopt similar behaviour. If you surround yourself with confident friends in London, you’ll have a much more positive outlook and begin to doubt your doubts – helping you become much more confident.